Landed with new hopes and a new life to begin, I was excited to come back to my country- my place. But, life had different plans I guess. With no happy surprises and exciting planning, I landed with a horrifying skin disease “Chickenpox”. I know it’s very common skin diseases that every kid gets and you might be thinking what’s the big deal that I am bragging about it.
Well, we have always heard about and took it very mildly till I experienced the real show down of what exactly it is. Exaggerating, painful, hurting, throbbing, agonizing…you name it and I know it… I have learned and known all these terms well now.
It Took Me Long To Realize….Pain is Part of Growing
Whaaaaaaaaatttt!!! You have got a chicken pox??? (Why is there a rule of not developing a chickenpox @this age….I still fail to understand this logic) Ummm no big deal, everybody gets it!!
Cool!!! But no one or a rare person like me caught this weird skin disease at the age of 34. Developing chicken pox may not be a larger than life cancer type disease I agree, but the suffering it came with took me almost 2 years to get back to normal and of course lots of motivation and efforts to what I have become today.
Believe me, along with that pain, there were lot of other experiences that life scheduled for me.
The reason to describe this episode is not about gaining sympathy or blowing my pain in a large proportion, but to know what it took me to become what I am today.
That famous quotes rightly justified my situation, “People change for 2 reasons: Their hearts are broken or their minds have open”. I put myself into later situation, not just my skin, but I too have changed with the pain – everybody changes.
Should Have………..Could Have………Would Have…
Sitting on the hospital bed, with 2 IV’s connected simultaneously. My fever refused to go down, and these blisters were enjoying a hell of time enjoying of not missing a space on my skin. I was literally cursing myself, why only me who is having this painful blisters all over my body, why I have come back. Why I haven’t stayed back in USA and lived a life there and so on…there were lots of “Whys” and no answers to those.
My doctor strictly instructed to not to see a mirror for 2 months straight- for a women who was blessed with beautiful skin, this gave a good blow in my gut. Was I looking that horrible where facing a mirror could be a problem? And the answer I checked next morning clearly told me, there was no way I will be able to get into public not just for 2 months but indefinite years.
There’s so much I still want to create and foster in my life, and yet I feel utterly beaten down. Just 34 and it feels I have been through a lot on my journey and I am at a point where I have lost my hopes – my motivation.
Hope for optimal healing
The path I am on didn’t follow a linear route, and my first step might be someone else’s 10th. Of course, there are patterns and steps one will most likely follow, but I have never been able to conclusively plant my flag and say, “Hey, here is the road map. Go from A to B to C, and so on, you will be healed.”
The wisdom one gains on a journey to make sense, or any loss for that matter, is not something you just “get” one day. For me, it has been something I have had to claim after deep contemplation and struggle.
There are people out there who can support you and motivate you…Looks nice to read and hear but very less of this is helpful when you are struggling to get back to what you have lost. It was not that beautiful face I am talking about, but my self-confidence shattered. Nothing seems to be right… I will never be able to face public, not go out, no socializing, no work, and finally No Life.
From one doctor to established skin specialists, I have tried it all. I got everything except my skin, my patience, and most importantly my self-confidence.
The Best Thing I Did Was Keep Going
Finally, there came a light in my life. I came across a dermatologist near my supermarket and decided to give a try. Since, I have tried lot of skin specialist and spend huge, I was sure that this one too will let my hopes down, but there’s a slight change in the plan here…. Not slight I should say, my life experienced an amazing twist – A POSITIVE TWIST!!!!
I still visit her and always tell her that you are my “miraculous fairy” – her efforts are showing on my skin today when people do make a point to remark my glowing skin. Yes after 2 years I have healed and I am always finding ways to payback that gratitude (which I keep on telling my doc).
That hope that I lost came back with the struggles that I put when I was in the healing process. I am not showing off, but today sitting and writing this blog made me realize that that pain was worth experiencing. From the people who gave me strange stares and were fearing to sit next to me, incase if they catch “Chickenpox” to who hugged me selflessly irrespective of me telling no to them…It showed me where I stood and who all stood by me.
Your scars are symbols of strengths…and I have got lots of
Left out with few scars, when I see them every day, I feel that I have conquered that phase of my life – that painful phase. The lesson well-learnt, I grew stronger and moved more confidently today. My scars are more of my strengths and not pain. The happiness, the confidence that I have today is because I allowed myself to struggle.
I know happy now because I also know what feels like losing hope.
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